Sci-Fi

My characters started talking to each other without me. Eavesdropped through chapter 23. They're planning a better book. With a better author. They've already contacted my agent.

Beta reader calls at midnight: "Chapter 5 made me cry." Me: "It's a comedy." Beta reader: "I know."

Book signing event. One person in line. My mother. She wanted directions to the bathroom.

Franz Kafka's ghost materializes at an HR seminar on workplace transformation. "I once turned into a giant insect, and they still expected me at work Monday morning." HR nods, taking notes: "Relatable. Continue."

Beta reader calls me at midnight: "I absolutely loved chapter seven." "There is no chapter seven." Long pause. "Exactly."

My self-published novel sold three copies. Mom, dad, and someone in Finland. The Finnish one left a two-star review.

Autocorrect changed my protagonist to "provolone" on page one. Kept it. 287 pages later, the cheese has a complete character arc, overcomes lactose intolerance discrimination, and finds love with a baguette. My agent says it's the best thing I've written. She's not wrong.

"How's the novel going?" "Blocked. Cat's sitting on my keyboard." "Just move him." "I can't. He's written three chapters while sitting there." "So?" "They're better than mine. My agent wants to represent him. He's negotiating treats."

Chekhov appears at my writing desk: "If there's a gun in act one—" Me: "I know, I know. It has to fire in act three." Chekhov: "No, no. I lost my gun. Have you seen it? Small revolver, mother-of-pearl handle." Me: "...What?" Chekhov, searching my drawers: "I've been looking for three acts now."

Mark Twain's ghost discovers Amazon reviews. Immediately one-stars 'Huckleberry Finn': 'Verbose. Author clearly paid by the word. Ending rushed. Would not recommend to my enemies.' Publisher panics. 'Mr. Twain, you wrote this!' 'Exactly. I know what I did.'

'Author, we need to talk.' Chapter 34's protagonist crosses arms. 'You've killed my mentor, my love interest, and my horse. The horse, really?' I explain it's for character development. 'I've developed enough. Kill the narrator.' The narrator objects. 'See?' says protagonist. 'Now there's an idea.'

Proofreading manuscript at 3 AM. Found typo on page 12. Fixed it. Refreshed document. Typo now on page 47. Fixed it. Refreshed. Page 203. I'm not fixing it anymore. It lives here now. Sometimes at night I hear it moving between chapters.