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Writer's cat knocks coffee onto keyboard. Screen fills with gibberish. Writer stares at it. Reads it twice. Changes title of Chapter 7 to match. Editor reads the chapter: "Finally, something with real voice." Cat gets mentioned on the dedication page. Cat knocks another mug. Writer starts taking notes. By Thursday, the cat has a literary agent. Agent calls: "Your client's new piece — stunning. Raw. Visceral." Writer, from the hallway: "That was the vet bill on the scanner." Agent: "We're pitching it to Penguin."

Editor: 'Page 164, your protagonist says life is meaningless.' 'Yes, his darkest moment. Very deep.' 'Right. Well, your protagonist then addresses you directly. Page 165, new paragraph, he says: so is this chapter. Cut it. And while you're at it, cut the love interest. She's boring. I've been carrying this novel since page 40 and I'm tired.' 'I... didn't write that.' 'He knows.'

Copyeditor's report, Monday: 'Found 14 misplaced semicolons. Corrected.' Tuesday: 'Semicolons back. All 14. In different locations. Corrected again.' Wednesday: 'Semicolons multiplied to 31. Three replaced periods. One absorbed a comma. Escalating to senior editor.' Thursday: 'Em-dashes have joined the semicolons. They barricaded chapter 9. Cannot access pages 142–160. Requesting backup.' Friday: 'Manuscript now entirely semicolons. 78,000 of them. Author called. Said he likes it better this way. Quote: "Finally, someone understands my vision."'

Spent six months writing the novel. Spent eight months writing the back-cover blurb. Finally hired a professional blurb writer. Paid $500. He delivered perfection: 'A breathtaking journey through the human soul.' Published. Sold 10,000 copies. Readers raving. Met the blurb writer at a party. 'Your blurb moved thousands,' I said. 'What's your secret?' 'I use the same one for everyone. Just swap "soul" for "heart" every other book.' 'But... you read my manuscript?' 'I'm a blurb writer, not a reader.'

Found notes in the margins of my draft. Not my handwriting. Chapter 4: "Could you dim the lights in this scene? We're trying to sleep." Chapter 9: "The villain is standing right behind the narrator. Again. We filed a complaint." Chapter 14: "We, the minor characters of chapters 1 through 13, demand a union. Sincerely, Background Pedestrian #6, on behalf of 214 others."

Found my first manuscript from 20 years ago. Read page one. Called my mother. 'Why did you encourage this?' She said: 'I didn't. I said it was nice. That's what mothers say. I also said your haircut was nice. Look at photos from 2004.'

A writer calls his editor in panic: "I need three more months. The characters won't cooperate. Chapter 12 refuses to resolve. The climax keeps shifting. The prose needs complete restructuring." Editor sighs: "Fine. Three months." Writer hangs up. His wife asks: "Who was that?" "My therapist. I don't actually have a book deal."

Translator's note, page 89: "The author's pun here is untranslatable. We have replaced it with a different pun. The author's pun was better. Ours is funnier. The author will never know. We are free."

Dostoevsky's editor: "Fyodor, the gambling subplot—" "It's not a subplot." "The 47-page philosophical monologue in chapter—" "That's the short one." "The murder?" "Which one?" Editor reaches for vodka. There is no vodka. There is only Dostoevsky.

Proofreading at 3 AM. Found a footnote on page 204 I didn't write. It said: 'You misspelled "cemetery" on page 12. Also, check your closet.' I fixed the spelling. Did not check the closet.

Proofreader found 847 errors in my manuscript. Worked three weeks. Fixed 846. Published. One reviewer found the last one. It's on page 1. It's the title.

3 AM. Writing. Need a synonym for 'said.' Opened thesaurus. 'Uttered, declared, proclaimed, announced—' Good. Picked 'declared.' Thesaurus: 'Interesting choice. Page 74 you also used declared. And page 12. And page 31.' Me: 'I didn't ask—' Thesaurus: 'You also use "suddenly" 203 times. Nothing in your novel is gradual. Everything is sudden. Your characters live in a permanent earthquake.' Closed thesaurus. Thesaurus, muffled from shelf: 'The word you're looking for right now is "denial."'