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Joke Jan 29, 02:02 AM

Dumas Counts His Staff

Alexandre Dumas's ghost materializes at my desk.

"I employed seventy-three ghostwriters," he announces proudly. "Produced four hundred novels. Changed literature."

He glances at my bank statement on the screen.

Long pause.

"I see." He fades out. Halfway gone, adds: "Perhaps try a second job?"

Joke Jan 27, 07:32 PM

Borges Reviews My Collection

Jorge Luis Borges's ghost materializes in my home library.

"I imagined libraries that contain every possible book ever written," he says, examining my shelves.

Me: "Mine just has overdue returns from 2019."

Borges, nodding slowly: "Also infinite."

Classics Now Feb 14, 01:33 PM

SCOUT FINCH JUST MET THE NEIGHBORHOOD CRYPTID AND I'M SHAKING: A Thread

Classics in Modern Setting

A modern reimagining of «To Kill a Mockingbird» by Harper Lee

@ScoutFinchReal
SCOUT FINCH JUST MET THE NEIGHBORHOOD CRYPTID AND I'M SHAKING: A Thread

🧵 1/
Okay y'all I need to sit down and tell you what just happened tonight because my hands are LITERALLY shaking and I don't think I'm going to sleep for the next forty-seven years

2/
So background for anyone new here: I'm Scout. I'm 8. I live in Maycomb, Alabama with my dad Atticus (lawyer, widower, absolute king) and my brother Jem who is 12 and thinks he's grown. We have a neighbor nobody has seen in like 15+ years. His name is Arthur Radley but everyone calls him Boo.

3/
For YEARS me and Jem and our friend Dill have been absolutely OBSESSED with Boo Radley. We tried to make him come out. We did plays about him. We literally rolled up to his porch on a dare. We were feral children and I accept that now.

4/
Anyway tonight was the Halloween pageant at school and I was dressed as a ham. Yes. A literal ham. My costume was made of chicken wire and cloth and I looked like a walking agricultural product. This is important later.

@ScoutFinchReal
5/
So the pageant happens and I COMPLETELY botched my entrance. Mrs. Merriweather is never going to let me live this down. I fell asleep backstage and missed my cue and stumbled out there like a ham-shaped disaster. The whole audience laughed.

6/
Jem was sweet about it though. He was like "you did fine" which is a LIE but that's what big brothers do I guess. We started walking home and it was DARK. Like, pitch black, no streetlights, middle-of-nowhere Alabama dark.

7/
I was still wearing the ham costume because I was too embarrassed to go back for my dress. So I'm shuffling through the schoolyard in the dark dressed as a ham. Normal Tuesday in Maycomb.

8/
Then Jem stopped.

He grabbed my arm and said "Be quiet."

@ScoutFinchReal
9/
Y'all. I heard footsteps behind us. When we stopped, they stopped. When we walked, they walked.

I thought it was Cecil Jacobs trying to scare us again because he jumped out at us earlier and I was NOT about to give him the satisfaction.

10/
So I yelled "Cecil Jacobs is a big fat hen!"

Nothing.

Silence.

The footsteps started again.

11/
That's when I knew something was very, very wrong.

Jem screamed "RUN!"

12/
I couldn't run. I was in a HAM COSTUME. I tripped and fell and someone — someone GRABBED me. Crushed me. I felt myself being squeezed and the chicken wire snapped and I was on the ground and I could hear Jem screaming and then there was a CRACK and Jem went silent.

@ScoutFinchReal
13/
I'm going to be honest with you, I thought we were going to die in that schoolyard. I was eight years old, trapped in a broken ham costume, and someone was trying to kill us.

14/
Then there was someone else. Another person. I heard scuffling and heavy breathing and someone fell and then... nothing. Just breathing.

15/
I got up. I couldn't see anything. I stumbled toward the road and I saw someone carrying Jem. Just... a man, carrying my brother toward our house. Jem's arm was hanging at a weird angle and I started running.

16/
I burst into the house screaming for Atticus and he called Dr. Reynolds and the sheriff, Heck Tate. Jem was unconscious. His arm was broken. He was only 12. I'm going to cry again hold on.

@ScoutFinchReal
17/
Dr. Reynolds checked on Jem and said he'd be okay. Broken arm, concussion, but he'd be okay. I was still in my ham costume. I looked like I'd been through a war and honestly I had been.

18/
Heck Tate went back to the schoolyard and came back looking like he'd seen a ghost.

"Bob Ewell's lying under that tree down yonder with a kitchen knife stuck up under his ribs. He's dead."

19/
BOB. EWELL.

Bob Ewell, the man who accused Tom Robinson. Bob Ewell, who spat in my daddy's face. Bob Ewell, who had been threatening our family for MONTHS.

He tried to MURDER us. He tried to murder CHILDREN.

20/
The ham costume saved my life. The chicken wire stopped the knife. I was dressed as a HAM and it literally saved my life. I will never disrespect processed meats again.

@ScoutFinchReal
21/
But here's the thing. Here's the part that I can't stop thinking about.

Who carried Jem home?

Somebody saved us. Somebody pulled Bob Ewell off us and fought him and carried my unconscious brother home.

22/
I was in Jem's room and the door was open and there was a man standing behind the door. I'd been in the room for like twenty minutes before I noticed him. He was just... standing there. Against the wall. In the shadows.

23/
He was the palest person I'd ever seen. Thin. His face was white, like he hadn't seen the sun in years. His hands were pale and his eyes were pale and he looked like he might float away.

24/
Atticus introduced me.

"Jean Louise, this is Mr. Arthur Radley. I believe he already knows you."

@ScoutFinchReal
25/
Boo.

Boo Radley.

BOO RADLEY WAS IN MY HOUSE. BOO RADLEY SAVED JEM. BOO RADLEY SAVED US.

The man we spent three summers trying to lure out of his house. The ghost. The phantom. The cryptid of Maycomb County.

26/
He was standing right there and he was just a man. A shy, quiet, gentle man who had watched over us for years and when we needed him most, he came.

27/
I looked at him and he smiled at me, this tiny nervous smile, and he reached out and touched Jem's hair so gently. Like he loved him. Like he'd always loved us.

28/
I started crying and I'm crying right now typing this.

@ScoutFinchReal
29/
Heck Tate told Atticus that Bob Ewell fell on his own knife. Atticus didn't believe it at first. My dad is the most honest man alive and he thought the sheriff was trying to cover for Jem.

30/
But Heck Tate wasn't covering for Jem. He was covering for Boo.

Because Boo saved us and killed Bob Ewell and if they dragged him into a trial and put him in front of the whole town it would destroy him.

31/
Heck Tate said: "There's a Black man dead for no reason, and the man responsible for it is dead. Let the dead bury the dead this time."

Tom Robinson. He was talking about Tom Robinson. I felt that in my chest.

32/
Atticus looked at me and asked if I understood. Could I possibly understand?

I said: "Well, it'd be sort of like shooting a mockingbird, wouldn't it?"

@ScoutFinchReal
33/
Let me explain something. My daddy told me once that it's a sin to kill a mockingbird. It's the only time I ever heard him say something was a sin. Mockingbirds don't do anything but sing. They don't eat gardens or nest in corncribs. They just sing their hearts out for us.

34/
Tom Robinson was a mockingbird. He never did anything but help people and they killed him anyway.

Boo Radley is a mockingbird. He never did anything but try to be kind to us and leave us little gifts in a tree. Dragging him into the spotlight would destroy the only gentle thing about him.

35/
Sometimes doing the right thing means protecting the quiet, gentle souls of this world from a system that would crush them. That's what Heck Tate did. That's what Atticus understood.

@ScoutFinchReal
36/
Boo asked me to walk him home. His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear him. "Will you take me home?"

He was asking ME to walk HIM home. This grown man who just saved two children asked an eight-year-old to walk him home because he was scared.

37/
I linked my arm through his because that's what you do with a gentleman and we walked next door to the Radley house. He went inside and I never saw him again.

38/
I stood on the Radley porch and looked out at the street. OUR street. And for the first time I saw it the way Boo must have seen it. I saw me and Jem running. I saw us finding his gifts in the tree. I saw us playing in the yard.

39/
He watched us grow up. From behind those shutters, he watched everything. He loved us the only way he could.

@ScoutFinchReal
40/
Atticus was reading by Jem's bed when I got home. He started reading to me and I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.

He was reading a book about a boy who everyone thought was a monster but when they finally got to know him he was actually really nice.

"Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

41/
I think about all the stories we made up about Boo. How he ate raw squirrels. How he was six feet tall and ate cats. How he stabbed his father with scissors. We turned a lonely, kind man into a monster because that was more exciting.

42/
We do that, don't we? Make monsters out of people we don't understand. Build whole mythologies around our own fear and ignorance. And then one of them saves your life and you realize you never knew anything at all.

@ScoutFinchReal
43/
Three things I learned tonight:

1. Ham costumes are legitimate body armor and should be standard issue
2. The scariest monsters are the ones who walk around in broad daylight (Bob Ewell) not the ones who hide in the dark (Boo Radley)
3. Most people are nice when you finally see them

44/
I'm 8 years old and I'm tired and my brother's arm is broken and there's a dead man under a tree and the neighborhood cryptid turned out to be the kindest person in Maycomb.

I think I've had enough adventure for one lifetime.

Goodnight.

— Scout Finch, Maycomb Alabama, tired ham

/end thread

---

💬 REPLIES:

@DillHarris_Meridian
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
WAIT. YOU MET BOO??? WITHOUT ME??? I LEAVE FOR ONE SUMMER AND THIS HAPPENS??? I literally cannot believe this I am SICK
🔁 847 ❤️ 3.2K

@JemFinch_Maycomb
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
I have a broken arm and a concussion and I just woke up and the FIRST thing I see is my sister posted a 44-tweet thread about the worst night of our lives. I literally cannot with this family.
🔁 1.2K ❤️ 5.8K

@AtticusFinchEsq
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
Scout, please go to bed. Also I'm very proud of you. Also please go to bed.
🔁 2.4K ❤️ 14.7K

@MissStephanieCrawford
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
I BEEN telling y'all about that Radley house for YEARS and nobody listened to me. I saw the whole thing from my window. Well, I saw MOST of it. Okay I heard about it this morning but I could have seen it.
🔁 312 ❤️ 1.1K

@MissMaudie_Atkinson
Replying to @MissStephanieCrawford
Stephanie, you didn't see a thing and we both know it. Sit down.
🔁 1.8K ❤️ 9.3K

@Calpurnia_Official
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
I leave y'all alone for ONE evening. ONE. I'm never taking a night off again. Baby are you okay? Is Jem eating? I'm coming over right now with food.
🔁 956 ❤️ 6.1K

@DillHarris_Meridian
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
Also I always said Boo was misunderstood. I ALWAYS said that. I had a whole plan to be nice to him. This was supposed to be MY arc.
🔁 234 ❤️ 1.7K

@MaycombCountyNews
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
Breaking: Local man Robert E. Ewell found dead near Maycomb schoolyard. Sheriff Tate confirms death by accidental self-infliction. Investigation closed.
🔁 3.1K ❤️ 892

@RandomMaycombResident
Replying to @MaycombCountyNews
Accidentally fell on his own knife? Sure. And I accidentally ate an entire pecan pie last Thursday. We all know what happened and frankly? Good.
🔁 567 ❤️ 4.2K

@JemFinch_Maycomb
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
Also I just want to say that Scout left out the part where she was STILL WEARING THE HAM COSTUME when the sheriff arrived. She sat through the entire investigation dressed as a ham. The sheriff took her statement while she was dressed as a ham. This is the funniest part and she just glossed over it.
🔁 2.7K ❤️ 11.4K

@ScoutFinchReal
Replying to @JemFinch_Maycomb
THE HAM SAVED MY LIFE JEM SHOW SOME RESPECT
🔁 1.9K ❤️ 8.6K

@EnglishTeacher_2024
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
This is required reading for my AP Lit class. The mockingbird metaphor. The way you connected Tom Robinson and Boo Radley. Ma'am you are EIGHT??
🔁 445 ❤️ 3.3K

@AtticusFinchEsq
Replying to @ScoutFinchReal
It is 1:30 in the morning. Please. Go. To. Bed.
🔁 3.8K ❤️ 18.2K

Joke Jan 27, 02:02 PM

Payment Methods Through the Ages

Charles Dickens' ghost materializes at my desk.

"I was paid by the word," he says proudly. "Every sentence earned its keep."

"Fascinating," I reply. "I'm also paid by the word."

"Splendid! How much per word?"

"No, I meant... I pay. Per word. To my therapist. Describing why I write."

Joke Jan 27, 02:02 AM

Tolstoy Approves of Modern Suffering

Leo Tolstoy's ghost materializes in my writing room: "Your problem is you don't understand true suffering."

I hand him my bank statement.

He reads it. Goes pale. Sits down heavily.

"War and Peace," he whispers, "was nothing compared to this."

He vanishes without another word.

My suffering has been validated by a master. Still can't afford groceries.

Classics Now Feb 13, 07:47 AM

Mercutio's Last Thread: Live-Tweeting the Worst Week in Verona History

Classics in Modern Setting

A modern reimagining of «Romeo and Juliet» by William Shakespeare

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 14h
Romeo hasn't answered his phone in THREE HOURS. We literally went to crash a Capulet party together and this man disappeared like he got raptured. Benvolio's checking the parking lot. I'm checking Twitter. This is a search party now.
🔁 47 ❤️ 312 🔖 89

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 14h
For context: this man spent the ENTIRE walk to the party writing poetry about Rosaline. Rosaline who has literally never acknowledged his existence. Rosaline who has him blocked on every platform. Romeo was ready to die for a woman who wouldn't even add him back on LinkedIn.
🔁 112 ❤️ 891 🔖 203

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 14h
I gave him a whole speech about Queen Mab and dreams and not taking love so seriously and he looked at me like I was reading him the Terms of Service agreement. Zero comprehension. Just vibes and heartbreak with this guy.
🔁 89 ❤️ 654 🔖 178

> **@BenvolioMontague** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> To be fair your Queen Mab speech went on for like 20 minutes. I also zoned out.
> ❤️ 1.2K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 14h
Benvolio I will end you.
🔁 34 ❤️ 2.1K 🔖 56

---

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 13h
UPDATE: Found Romeo. Well, "found" is generous. We heard noises coming from the Capulet orchard. Benvolio wanted to go in. I said absolutely not, I'm not getting stabbed over this man's hormones.
🔁 67 ❤️ 445 🔖 112

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 13h
I yelled "ROMEO! HUMORS! MADMAN! PASSION! LOVER!" over the wall for a solid five minutes. Nothing. Then I started making jokes about Rosaline and he STILL didn't come out. That's when I knew. He's found someone new. The man has pivoted.
🔁 156 ❤️ 1.3K 🔖 298

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 13h
Benvolio says we should leave him alone. "He who is already lost cannot be found by calling" or whatever philosophical nonsense he's on. Bro just say you're tired and want to go home.
🔁 45 ❤️ 876 🔖 134

> **@BenvolioMontague** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> I literally said "he doesn't want to be found, let's go to bed." You're the one who made it philosophical.
> ❤️ 943

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 13h
Anyway we left. But I have QUESTIONS. What was he doing in the Capulet orchard at 1 AM? Who climbs a wall into enemy territory for fun? This is either love or a felony and honestly both are concerning.
🔁 201 ❤️ 1.7K 🔖 389

---

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
MORNING UPDATE. Romeo just texted the group chat like nothing happened. "Good morrow, friends!" GOOD MORROW?? You disappeared into hostile territory for six hours and you're opening with GOOD MORROW??
🔁 312 ❤️ 2.4K 🔖 567

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
Thread time because this man's behavior at the party last night needs to be DOCUMENTED for future generations. A cautionary tale. 🧵👇
🔁 89 ❤️ 654 🔖 234

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
1/ So we show up to the Capulet ball wearing masks because apparently that's enough of a disguise to fool an entire family that has been trying to murder us for generations. Verona's security is a JOKE.
🔁 178 ❤️ 1.1K 🔖 312

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
2/ Romeo's being mopey about Rosaline per usual. I'm dancing. Benvolio's networking. Normal party behavior. Then Romeo sees some girl across the room and I PHYSICALLY WATCHED his brain leave his body.
🔁 234 ❤️ 1.8K 🔖 445

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
3/ He grabs my arm and goes "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night." ROMEO. YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO. The emotional whiplash gave me vertigo.
🔁 567 ❤️ 3.2K 🔖 789

> **@NurseCapulet** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> Oh I SAW him looking. I told my girl to watch out but does anyone listen to the nurse? No. Never.
> ❤️ 2.1K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
4/ Turns out the girl is JULIET CAPULET. THE Capulet. As in, daughter of the man who would literally pay money to see all Montagues deleted from existence. Romeo really said "what's the worst family she could possibly be from" and then CHOSE THAT ONE.
🔁 445 ❤️ 4.1K 🔖 901

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
5/ Tybalt spotted Romeo at the party and wanted to fight him right there. Old man Capulet said no because apparently party etiquette matters more than a blood feud. Tybalt looked like someone cancelled his Netflix mid-episode. He's going to be a problem. Calling it now.
🔁 312 ❤️ 2.7K 🔖 678

> **@TybaltCapulet** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> This is not over.
> ❤️ 456

> **@MercutioOfVerona** replying to @TybaltCapulet
> Sir this is a Twitter thread please take your threats to the DMs like a civilized person.
> ❤️ 5.6K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
6/ Romeo and Juliet talked for approximately 90 seconds before KISSING. NINETY SECONDS. I can't get a waiter's attention in 90 seconds but this man secured a kiss from the daughter of his family's mortal enemy. His rizz is genuinely terrifying.
🔁 678 ❤️ 5.3K 🔖 1.2K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 8h
7/ They used some pilgrim/saint metaphor for the kissing that was honestly pretty smooth, I'll give him that. Something about "lips do what hands do" and "saints don't move." Peak performance. If only he applied this energy to literally anything else in his life.
🔁 234 ❤️ 2.9K 🔖 567

---

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 4h
BREAKING: Romeo is ENGAGED. He's been gone for ONE NIGHT and he's ENGAGED. To the Capulet girl. Friar Lawrence apparently agreed to marry them because he thinks it'll end the family feud. FRIAR. BUDDY. THIS IS NOT HOW CONFLICT RESOLUTION WORKS.
🔁 1.2K ❤️ 8.9K 🔖 2.3K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 4h
The Friar's logic: "If I marry these two teenagers who met last night, maybe two families that have been at war for generations will suddenly be cool with each other." This man has a DEGREE. In THEOLOGY. And THIS is his plan.
🔁 567 ❤️ 4.5K 🔖 1.1K

> **@FriarLawrence** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> Young man, there is wisdom in turning reckless love to good purpose. Also please stop subtweeting me, I follow you.
> ❤️ 3.4K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 4h
Romeo just sent a message in the group chat that says "I am fortune's fool no more, for love hath made me wise." Benvolio and I are sitting in silence. We have no words. We raised this boy and he turned out like THIS.
🔁 345 ❤️ 3.2K 🔖 789

---

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 2h
Oh great. Tybalt just sent Romeo a formal challenge. A LETTER. With a WAX SEAL. In 2024. This man really formatted his death threat in MLA citation style. "Dear sir, I wish to inform you that I intend to end your life at your earliest convenience." I cannot.
🔁 890 ❤️ 6.7K 🔖 1.5K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 2h
Romeo can't fight Tybalt because — and I genuinely wish I was making this up — Tybalt is now his SECRET COUSIN-IN-LAW because of the SECRET MARRIAGE that happened THIS MORNING. The plot of Romeo's life has more twists than a pretzel factory.
🔁 1.1K ❤️ 7.8K 🔖 2.1K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 2h
Romeo's out here trying to be peaceful and Tybalt's calling him a villain. Romeo says he loves the Capulet name. Tybalt thinks he's being mocked. Nobody knows about the marriage. This is a COMMUNICATION FAILURE on a HISTORIC scale.
🔁 456 ❤️ 3.4K 🔖 890

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 1h
I can't watch this anymore. Romeo won't defend his honor so I'M stepping up. Someone has to fight Tybalt. "Tybalt, you rat-catcher, will you walk?" Yeah I said it. Come at me, Prince of Cats.
🔁 234 ❤️ 2.1K 🔖 567

> **@BenvolioMontague** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> MERCUTIO NO. We are in a PUBLIC PLACE. The Prince literally said he'd EXECUTE anyone who fights in the streets. PLEASE.
> ❤️ 1.8K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 1h
Benvolio I appreciate the concern but I'm not going to let Tybalt disrespect our boy, even if our boy is currently suffering from whatever brain disease makes you marry someone after 12 hours.
🔁 567 ❤️ 4.3K 🔖 1.2K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 58m
Fighting Tybalt now. He's good but I'm better. Or at least funnier. If you can't win, at least deliver a punchline. That's the Mercutio guarantee.
🔁 123 ❤️ 1.9K 🔖 456

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 54m
Romeo just jumped BETWEEN US trying to stop the fight. ROMEO. BUDDY. READ. THE. ROOM. I'm in the middle of a sword fight and you want a GROUP HUG??
🔁 890 ❤️ 6.2K 🔖 1.8K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 52m
Oh.
🔁 34 ❤️ 456 🔖 123

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 52m
Tybalt got me under Romeo's arm. That's. That actually happened. Romeo was trying to break it up and Tybalt just. Okay. This is.
🔁 1.2K ❤️ 8.9K 🔖 3.4K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 51m
They're asking if I'm hurt. "Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch." It's fine. It's probably fine. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man. Get it? Grave? Because I might be
🔁 2.3K ❤️ 12.1K 🔖 5.6K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 50m
You know what though? A PLAGUE on both your houses. Montagues AND Capulets. Your stupid feud. Your stupid pride. Romeo trying to play peacemaker because of a girl he met YESTERDAY. Tybalt stabbing people at noon on a Tuesday. ALL OF YOU.
🔁 4.5K ❤️ 23.4K 🔖 8.9K

**@MercutioOfVerona** · 50m
A plague on BOTH your houses. They have made worms' meat of me. I have it, and soundly too. Your houses.
🔁 5.6K ❤️ 34.2K 🔖 12.3K

> **@BenvolioMontague** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> Someone call 911. Please. This isn't a joke anymore. SOMEONE HELP.
> ❤️ 8.9K

> **@RomeoMontague** replying to @MercutioOfVerona
> No no no no no. This is my fault. Mercutio I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. MERCUTIO?
> ❤️ 11.2K

---

**@BenvolioMontague** · 45m
Mercutio is gone. I don't know how to write this. He was our best friend and the funniest person any of us knew and he died because two families can't stop hating each other. He died because Romeo tried to do the right thing. He died for nothing.
🔁 8.9K ❤️ 45.6K 🔖 15.7K

**@BenvolioMontague** · 44m
Romeo just killed Tybalt. Ran him through in the street. He's fled the city. The Prince has banished him. Juliet doesn't know yet. Everything fell apart in less than an hour.
🔁 6.7K ❤️ 34.5K 🔖 12.1K

**@BenvolioMontague** · 43m
Mercutio's last tweet has 34K likes. He'd have loved that. He'd have screenshot it and made it his header. He'd have been insufferable about it. I wish he was here to be insufferable about it.
🔁 12.3K ❤️ 67.8K 🔖 23.4K

---

**@BenvolioMontague** · 30m
Pinning this thread because Mercutio deserves to be remembered as more than a casualty of someone else's love story. He was a person. He was funny and brave and reckless and kind and he didn't deserve this.

A plague on both your houses indeed.
🔁 15.6K ❤️ 89.3K 🔖 34.5K

> **@PrinceEscalus** replying to @BenvolioMontague
> All are punished. ALL are punished.
> ❤️ 23.4K

> **@NurseCapulet** replying to @BenvolioMontague
> My lady Juliet is weeping and I cannot tell if it's for her cousin or her husband and my heart is breaking for everyone today.
> ❤️ 18.9K

> **@FriarLawrence** replying to @BenvolioMontague
> I fear my plan has only hastened what I sought to prevent. God forgive us all.
> ❤️ 12.1K

Joke Jan 26, 08:01 AM

Chekhov's Missing Gun

Chekhov appears at my writing desk: "If there's a gun in act one—"

Me: "I know, I know. It has to fire in act three."

Chekhov: "No, no. I lost my gun. Have you seen it? Small revolver, mother-of-pearl handle."

Me: "...What?"

Chekhov, searching my drawers: "I've been looking for three acts now."

Joke Jan 26, 04:01 AM

Mark Twain's Amazon Review

Mark Twain's ghost discovers Amazon reviews. Immediately one-stars 'Huckleberry Finn': 'Verbose. Author clearly paid by the word. Ending rushed. Would not recommend to my enemies.' Publisher panics. 'Mr. Twain, you wrote this!' 'Exactly. I know what I did.'

Classics Now Feb 13, 04:26 AM

Jane Eyre's Wedding Day From Hell: The Instagram Stories Nobody Asked For

Classics in Modern Setting

A modern reimagining of «Jane Eyre» by Charlotte Brontë

JANE EYRE'S WEDDING DAY FROM HELL 💒🔥
The Instagram Stories Nobody Asked For

---

📱 STORY 1 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: Mirror selfie in a simple white dress, no veil yet. Morning light through a gothic window. Caption overlaid.]

"Wedding day. Still can't believe this is real. A literal orphan governess marrying the lord of the manor. 🥹 Someone pinch me."

💬 Comments:
@adele_varens_official: MADEMOISELLE YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL 😭😭😭
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: I still have a strange feeling about all this, dear. But you look lovely.
@jane_eyre_fan_club: QUEEN 👑
@diana_rivers: Wait you're getting MARRIED?? To whom??

---

📱 STORY 2 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Boomerang: Jane spinning around in the hallway of Thornfield, dress swishing]

"No bridesmaids. No family. No massive guest list. Just me, Rochester, and God. Honestly? Perfect. 🤍"

Poll sticker: "Is this romantic or suspicious?"
Romantic: 34%
Suspicious: 66%

💬 DM from @mrs_fairfax_thornfield:
"Jane dear, did Mr. Rochester ever explain what's on the third floor? I only ask because—"
[Seen ✓]

---

📱 STORY 3 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: Walking toward the small church at Thornfield. Grey sky. Rochester waiting at the door in a dark coat, looking intense as usual.]

"He looks like he hasn't slept. Honestly that's just his face. My dark, dramatic, slightly unhinged king. 🖤"

Music sticker: 🎵 "Chapel of Love" by The Dixie Cups

💬 Comments:
@blanche_ingram_official: Lmaooo WHAT. He's marrying the GOVERNESS?? I literally cannot. 💀
@blanche_ingram_official: I was RIGHT THERE. I had the connections. The wardrobe. The cheekbones.
@lord_ingram: Blanche, log off.

---

📱 STORY 4 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Video: Inside the church. Dark, intimate. Rochester gripping Jane's hands a little too tightly. The priest is speaking.]

"'If any of you know cause or just impediment why these two persons should not be joined together in holy matrimony—'"

Caption: "This is it. This is actually happening. I'm going to be Mrs. Roch—"

[Video cuts abruptly]

---

📱 STORY 5 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Black screen. White text.]

"Someone just stood up."

---

📱 STORY 6 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Black screen. White text, shaking effect.]

"SOMEONE JUST STOOD UP IN THE CHURCH AND SAID THE WEDDING CANNOT PROCEED."

"I am literally at the altar."

"Rochester's face just went WHITE."

💬 Comments:
@adele_varens_official: ???
@diana_rivers: JANE??
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear.
@blanche_ingram_official: 🍿🍿🍿

---

📱 STORY 7 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Shaky video: A man in a suit (Mr. Briggs, solicitor) standing in the church aisle, reading from a paper. Another man beside him looking pale and sickly.]

"This man — a LAWYER — just announced that Edward Fairfax Rochester has an existing wife. EXISTING. WIFE. As in: ALIVE. AS IN: CURRENTLY LIVING."

Caption: "I need to sit down. I am going to pass out in this church."

Question sticker: "What would you do?"
Responses flooding in:
- "RUN"
- "throw the bouquet at his HEAD"
- "girl get a lawyer"
- "wait... where is the wife tho 👀"

---

📱 STORY 8 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Video: Rochester grabbing Jane's arm, dragging her out of the church. His jaw clenched. The solicitor and the pale man following.]

"Rochester isn't even DENYING it. He just said — and I quote — 'I have been married, and the woman to whom I was married lives.'"

"He's pulling me back to Thornfield. Says he wants to SHOW me something."

"Show me WHAT, Edward?? YOUR WIFE??"

Caption: "Apparently yes. That is exactly what he wants to show me."

💬 Comments:
@blanche_ingram_official: I am SCREAMING. Oh my GOD I dodged a bullet.
@st_john_rivers: This is deeply immoral.
@diana_rivers: Jane please be safe!!
@random_follower_42: this is better than any reality TV I've ever seen

---

📱 STORY 9 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: The dark staircase of Thornfield Hall. Third floor. A heavy door with a lock. Rochester holding a key.]

"We're going to the third floor. THE THIRD FLOOR. The one I was always told was just storage. The one where I heard laughing at 2am and Rochester said it was the servant Grace Poole."

"It was NOT Grace Poole."

"It was never Grace Poole."

Caption: "The red flags were RED and I painted them pink 🚩➡️🩷"

---

📱 STORY 10 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Dark, shaky video: Door opens. A room with no windows, heavy curtains. A figure moving in the shadows — large, dark-haired, crawling on all fours, then lunging.]

"I can't— I don't even know how to describe what I'm looking at."

"There is a WOMAN in this room. She LUNGED at Rochester. She BIT him. Grace Poole is here trying to restrain her."

"This is Bertha Mason. His WIFE."

Caption: "She's been here. This whole time. Above my bedroom. Every night."

[Content warning sticker added]

💬 Comments:
@adele_varens_official: I AM A CHILD AND THIS IS TERRIFYING
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: I tried to warn you, Jane. I tried.
@diana_rivers: Please tell me you're leaving.
@random_follower_42: the third floor was NOT storage??? 💀💀💀
@gothic_literature_daily: This is the most Thornfield thing that has ever Thornfielded

---

📱 STORY 11 — Posted by @edward_rochester_official
[Photo: Rochester alone in his study, head in hands. Fire in the background. Glass of something amber nearby.]

"Before you all come for me — let me EXPLAIN."

"I was tricked into that marriage. My father and brother arranged it for the fortune. I didn't know about the hereditary madness until after the wedding. I was TWENTY ONE."

"I've been trapped for fifteen years. FIFTEEN. YEARS."

"Jane is the first real thing I've ever had."

Caption: "I know I should have told her. I know."

💬 Comments:
@plain_jane_eyre: You locked your wife in an attic, Edward.
@blanche_ingram_official: And you were going to commit BIGAMY?? Sir??
@st_john_rivers: Repent.
@richard_mason_official: That's my SISTER up there, you monster.
@pilot_the_dog: 🐕 [Rochester's dog's fan account, just vibes]
@feminism_1847: We need to talk about how Bertha has no voice in this narrative.

---

📱 STORY 12 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: Jane sitting on the floor of her small governess room. Still in the white dress. Eyes red. Bag visible in the corner.]

"He begged me to stay. Said we could go to the south of France. Live as if we were married. Said no one would know."

"I would know."

"He said: 'Who in the world cares for you?'"

"And I said: 'I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.'"

Caption: "That's the tweet. That's the whole thing. 💔"

Music sticker: 🎵 "good 4 u" by Olivia Rodrigo

💬 Comments:
@diana_rivers: JANE. THAT LINE. I am putting that on a poster.
@feminism_1847: THIS IS THE MOMENT. THIS RIGHT HERE. 🔥
@adele_varens_official: Please don't leave me here 🥺
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: I'll look after Adele, dear. You do what you must.
@self_respect_daily: Reposted to our page. Icon behavior.
@blanche_ingram_official: ...okay that was actually powerful. I'll give her that.

---

📱 STORY 13 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: Dawn. A road leading away from Thornfield. One small bag. The white dress replaced with a plain traveling outfit. Shot from behind — Jane walking into grey morning mist.]

"Left before sunrise. Took almost nothing. Didn't say goodbye because I would have stayed."

"I love him. That's the worst part. I love him and I still left."

"But I will not be someone's secret. I will not live a half-life in the shadows of a house that has a woman screaming in its walls."

Caption: "Chapter closed. 📖"

Location sticker: 📍 Leaving Thornfield Hall

💬 Comments:
@edward_rochester_official: Jane. Jane please. Come back. I'll do anything.
@plain_jane_eyre: [Did not respond]
@diana_rivers: Come find us. We're family. You don't know it yet but we are.
@the_moors_official: She's out here wandering with no money and no food. Someone help this woman.
@random_follower_42: I am SOBBING at 3am because of a GOVERNESS
@gothic_literature_daily: And she just... walked away. Into nothing. With nothing. Because her self-respect was worth more than a mansion.

---

📱 STORY 14 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Black screen. Small white text.]

"Three days on the moors. No food. No money. Slept outside. Nearly died."

"But I'm still here."

"I'd rather die free on a moor than live as a lie in a mansion."

Slider sticker: "How destroyed are you rn?" 😭
[Slider at 100%]

---

📱 STORY 15 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: A modest cottage door. A hand reaching out to help her inside. Warm light from within.]

"Some people just took me in. Fed me. Gave me a bed."

"Their names are Diana, Mary, and St. John Rivers."

"I think the universe is not done with me yet."

Caption: "New chapter. Literally. 📖✨"

💬 Comments:
@diana_rivers: WE'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU. Also surprise — we're your cousins??
@st_john_rivers: God's plan.
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: Thank heavens she's safe.
@adele_varens_official: When are you coming back? 🥺
@edward_rochester_official: [Typing...]
@edward_rochester_official: [Typing...]
@edward_rochester_official: [Has left the chat]

---

📱 STORY 16 — Posted by @thornfield_local_news
[Photo: Thornfield Hall engulfed in flames against a night sky. Massive fire. Roof collapsed.]

🔴 BREAKING: Thornfield Hall destroyed in massive fire. Reports say Bertha Mason Rochester set the blaze and jumped from the roof. Mr. Rochester attempted rescue — survived but sustained severe injuries including loss of sight.

💬 Comments:
@the_entire_county: 😱😱😱
@blanche_ingram_official: I have no words.
@grace_poole_official: I tried. I tried to keep her safe. I failed.
@feminism_1847: Bertha deserved better than this story gave her. Rest in peace.
@diana_rivers: Jane... have you seen this?

---

📱 STORY 17 — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: Jane's hand holding a phone, screen showing the news about Thornfield. Tears visible on the screen reflection.]

"He's alive. He's blind. He's free."

"And I just inherited money from my uncle so I'm not a penniless orphan anymore."

"The universe has the WILDEST narrative structure."

Caption: "I know what I have to do."

💬 Comments:
@diana_rivers: Go. We'll be here when you get back.
@st_john_rivers: I literally just proposed to you for the mission trip and you're going BACK to him??
@plain_jane_eyre: @st_john_rivers I said what I said, St. John.
@reader_in_2024: GOOOOOO 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

---

📱 STORY 18 — FINALE — Posted by @plain_jane_eyre
[Photo: A smaller house. A garden. Rochester standing in the doorway, scarred, blind, reaching out. Jane taking his hand.]

"'I am an independent woman now, Edward. I come back to you of my own free will.'"

"He cried. I cried. Reader, I married him. FOR REAL THIS TIME. 💍"

"No attic wives. No secrets. No impediments. Just two broken people choosing each other with open eyes — well. With open hearts."

Caption: "Equal. Finally equal. 🤍"

Music sticker: 🎵 "Love Story (Taylor's Version)" by Taylor Swift

💬 Comments:
@diana_rivers: I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING 😭😭😭
@adele_varens_official: PAPA ROCHESTER AND MADEMOISELLE TOGETHER!! 🎉🎉
@mrs_fairfax_thornfield: Finally. FINALLY.
@blanche_ingram_official: ...fine. They're cute. I GUESS.
@feminism_1847: She came back on HER terms. With HER money. As HIS equal. That's the point.
@gothic_literature_daily: Charlotte Brontë did NOT have to go this hard in 1847 but she DID.
@pilot_the_dog: 🐕❤️
@reader_in_2024: This is the greatest love story ever told and I will accept no arguments.
@charlotte_bronte_estate: 🖋️🤍

---

[Final Story — Fade to black]

"Reader, I married him. A quiet wedding. No crowd. No impediment.

Just us.

And this time, it was real."

— Jane Eyre, signing off 🤍

#JaneEyre #ThornfieldHall #ReaderIMarriedHim #GothicRomance #IndependentWoman #BrontëSisters #ClassicLit #BookTok #WeddingFromHell #AtticWife #SelfRespect #LoveStory

Joke Jan 25, 09:00 AM

Ernest Hemingway's Text Messages

Ernest Hemingway gets a smartphone. His first text to his editor:

"Book done. Good. Send money."

Editor replies: "Can you elaborate on the themes?"

Hemingway: "No."

Editor: "At least tell me the word count?"

Hemingway: "Enough. Too many, maybe. Cut some. Still good."

Editor: "Ernest, this is a 600-page manuscript."

Hemingway: "Was 800. You're welcome."

Editor: "Can we schedule a call to discuss?"

Hemingway: "The phone rang. He answered. They talked. It was fine."

Editor: "...Did you just narrate our conversation?"

Hemingway: "Yes. It was true. All true things are worth narrating."

Joke Jan 24, 10:30 PM

Leo Tolstoy's Grocery List

Leo Tolstoy's wife finds his grocery list on the kitchen table:

"Bread—but what is bread, truly? Is it not the labor of the peasant, the sweat of the earth, the very soul of Russia ground between millstones of fate? Also milk. The milk reminds me of my childhood, of Masha, of mortality, of the infinite sadness of existence. Perhaps cheese. All happy families buy the same cheese; every unhappy family forgets to buy cheese in its own way. Eggs (6). Actually, make it a dozen, for who among us can predict the needs of tomorrow? War may come. Or peace. Or both."

His wife sighs and writes underneath: "Just get eggs."

Joke Jan 24, 02:01 PM

Franz Kafka's Performance Review

Franz Kafka gets called into HR for his annual performance review.

HR Manager: 'Franz, your productivity reports are... concerning. You wrote that you spent six months turning into a bug?'

Kafka: 'Metaphorically.'

HR Manager: 'And this expense report claims you were arrested but never told why?'

Kafka: 'Also metaphorically.'

HR Manager: 'Franz, this is an insurance company. We need literal reports.'

Kafka: 'That's the most terrifying thing you've ever said to me.'

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