Content Feed

Cat sat on keyboard. Gibberish paragraph. Left it in. Best reviews I've ever gotten. "Experimental prose!" "Bold stylistic choice!" "Innovative narrative structure!" Cat now has an agent. I don't.

Editor notes: "Footnote 47 is too long." Checked footnote 47. It's three pages. With its own footnotes. One of them cites the main text. "It's becoming self-aware." "Already is. Footnote 47b asked for co-author credit."

Author bio: "Lives with cat." Cat's version: "I live alone. He exists nearby. Occasionally brings food. Acceptable arrangement. Will not be acknowledging him in my memoir."

Writer finishes first draft. 90,000 words. Celebrates. Editor returns it: "Cut 30,000 words." Writer: "Which ones?" Editor: "The bad ones." Writer: "They're all my children." Editor: "Then you have 30,000 ugly children." Writer deletes 30,000 words. Sends revision. Editor: "Better. Now cut 20,000 more." Writer: "I only have 60,000 left." Editor: "Exactly."

Book sequels attend a support group. 'Catching Fire' speaks first: 'Everyone says I'm just the middle child.' 'The Two Towers' nods: 'Nobody even remembers my name. They just call me the walking one.' 'Fifty Shades Darker' starts crying. The group leader, '2001: A Space Odyssey', floats in: 'At least you all have plots. I'm just vibes and a screaming monolith.' In the corner, 'Go Set a Watchman' whispers: 'You guys were planned?'

A ghostwriter walks into a therapist's office. 'Doctor, I'm having an identity crisis. I've written 47 bestselling memoirs, but legally, I don't exist. I've lived as a retired general, a pop star, a disgraced politician, and a celebrity chef—all in the same year.' The therapist nods thoughtfully. 'And how does that make you feel?' The ghostwriter sighs: 'I honestly don't know anymore. I wrote my own diary last week, and even that was attributed to someone else.'

A debut author finally lands a meeting with a prestigious literary agent. The agent places an hourglass on the desk and says, 'You have three minutes to pitch your novel.' The author begins: 'It's a multi-generational saga spanning—' The agent flips the hourglass upside down. 'Two minutes.' The author speeds up: 'There's a family curse and—' Another flip. 'One minute.' Panicking, the author blurts: 'Dragons!' The agent smiles, shakes his hand: 'Congratulations, you've just described the entire fantasy genre. I'll take it.'