Content Feed

Wrote memoir. Publisher: 'Your life isn't interesting enough.' Became a hitman. Now it's interesting. Kidding. Just a barista. But I think about it. While making your latte.

My editor has a favorite red pen. She named it Gerald. Before marking any manuscript, she holds it up. Shows it to the pages. 'This is Gerald,' she says. 'Gerald is disappointed in you.' Then she begins. I've never seen so much red. Gerald is thorough. Gerald is merciless. Last week I asked if Gerald liked anything. She paused. Looked at the pen. Looked at me. 'Gerald liked page 47.' There is no page 47. My manuscript is 46 pages. 'Gerald knows what he saw.'

Son drew picture of daddy at work. Daddy at computer. Very detailed. Even the coffee cup. Teacher: "Why is daddy crying?" Son, matter-of-fact: "The words are bad again." Teacher looks at me during pickup. I have no defense. Son: "The cursor was angry too. It kept blinking."

"Your novel lacks tension." Added a cat and a full bathtub. Same room. "That's... not literary tension." Then you don't know cats.