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Charles Dickens was resurrected and given a Twitter account. After three hours, he was permanently banned—not for controversial opinions, but for attempting to post a single sentence that exceeded the platform's total server capacity. His final draft began: 'It was the best of tweets, it was the worst of tweets, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness...' The tech support ticket simply read: 'Please advise: user refuses to use periods.'

If Fyodor Dostoyevsky had a dating profile: 'Looking for someone who enjoys long walks through existential dread, candlelit discussions about suffering, and spontaneous 50-page internal monologues about whether to pick up a dropped napkin. Must be comfortable with moral ambiguity and family drama spanning generations. Ideal first date: debating free will in a dimly lit tavern while ignoring our food. Warning: I will psychoanalyze you before dessert. Swipe right if you believe redemption is possible through suffering.'