Content Feed

📱 WHATSAPP GROUP CHAT: "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

Members: Hamlet 🖤, Claudius 👑, Gertrude 💅, Ophelia 🌸, Horatio 🧠, Polonius 🧓, Rosencrantz 🤡, Guildenstern 🃏

---

**Claudius 👑** created the group "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

**Claudius 👑** added Hamlet 🖤, Gertrude 💅, Ophelia 🌸, Horatio 🧠, Polonius 🧓, Rosencrantz 🤡, Guildenstern 🃏

**Claudius 👑:** Hey everyone! 🎉 Just a reminder that tonight's entertainment will be a lovely play organized by our dear nephew/son Hamlet! Dress code: royal casual. Starts at 8pm in the Great Hall. See you there! 🎭❤️

**Gertrude 💅:** Wonderful darling! So proud of Hamlet for finally showing interest in something other than wearing black and staring at walls 🥰

**Hamlet 🖤:** Thanks mom. Really appreciate the support. 🙃

**Hamlet 🖤:** *stepmom

**Gertrude 💅:** Hamlet.

**Hamlet 🖤:** What. You married my uncle two months after dad's funeral. I'm just being accurate.

**Polonius 🧓:** Let us all look forward to a wonderful evening of arts and culture! I myself was quite the thespian in my university days. Did I ever tell you about the time I played Julius Caesar?

**Hamlet 🖤:** Yeah you got killed in the Capitol. Brutal. 💀

**Polonius 🧓:** It was a very acclaimed performance!

**Hamlet 🖤:** I'm sure it was. Bravo. 👏

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Hamlet 🖤 → Horatio 🧠

**Hamlet 🖤:** bro

**Hamlet 🖤:** tonight's the night

**Horatio 🧠:** You sure about this plan?

**Hamlet 🖤:** 100%

**Hamlet 🖤:** I rewrote parts of the play so it basically shows exactly how my dad was murdered

**Hamlet 🖤:** poison in the ear while sleeping in the garden

**Hamlet 🖤:** then the murderer marries the queen

**Horatio 🧠:** That's... not subtle at all

**Hamlet 🖤:** it's called ART, Horatio

**Hamlet 🖤:** I need you to watch Claudius's face the ENTIRE time. Don't blink. Don't check your phone. WATCH HIM.

**Horatio 🧠:** What am I looking for exactly?

**Hamlet 🖤:** guilt

**Hamlet 🖤:** panic

**Hamlet 🖤:** maybe sweating

**Hamlet 🖤:** basically any reaction that screams "I DEFINITELY MURDERED MY BROTHER"

**Horatio 🧠:** And if he doesn't react?

**Hamlet 🖤:** then I guess the ghost of my dead father was lying and I've been having a mental breakdown for nothing 🤷

**Horatio 🧠:** Cool cool cool cool cool. Normal Tuesday.

**Hamlet 🖤:** the play is called "The Mousetrap" btw 🐭🪤

**Horatio 🧠:** Why

**Hamlet 🖤:** because we're catching a RAT 🐀👑

**Horatio 🧠:** I'm going to pretend that wasn't incredibly corny

**Hamlet 🖤:** just watch his face bro. That's all I need.

**Horatio 🧠:** I got you. Always.

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Rosencrantz 🤡 → Guildenstern 🃏

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** dude did hamlet seem weird to you today

**Guildenstern 🃏:** hamlet seems weird every day

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** yeah but like EXTRA weird

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** he was practically skipping around the Great Hall humming to himself

**Guildenstern 🃏:** maybe he's actually happy for once?

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** that's what worries me

**Guildenstern 🃏:** should we tell the king?

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** tell him what? "Your nephew is suspiciously cheerful"?

**Guildenstern 🃏:** fair point

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** let's just go to the play and keep our mouths shut

**Guildenstern 🃏:** that's literally always our best strategy

---

📱 GROUP CHAT: "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

⏰ 7:45 PM

**Hamlet 🖤:** Everyone almost here? Show starts in 15! 🎭

**Ophelia 🌸:** I'm here! Got a great seat 😊

**Hamlet 🖤:** Ophelia! Come sit by me 😏

**Ophelia 🌸:** Um ok?

**Polonius 🧓:** Ophelia, remember what we discussed.

**Ophelia 🌸:** Dad please don't do this in the group chat 😩

**Hamlet 🖤:** Don't worry Ophelia, I'll be on my best behavior

**Hamlet 🖤:** Or my worst. Depends on the scene 😈

**Gertrude 💅:** Hamlet come sit with me!

**Hamlet 🖤:** No thanks mom I'd rather sit with someone who hasn't made questionable life decisions in the last 3 months

**Claudius 👑:** 😐

**Gertrude 💅:** 😐

**Polonius 🧓:** 😬

---

⏰ 8:02 PM - Play begins

**Hamlet 🖤:** 🎭 SHOWTIME 🎭

**Hamlet 🖤:** This first part is a dumb show - no words just acting. Watch closely everyone!!

**Ophelia 🌸:** What's happening? A king and queen are being very affectionate?

**Hamlet 🖤:** Yeah they're super in love. Cute right? 🥰

**Ophelia 🌸:** Oh wait now the king is lying down in a garden...

**Hamlet 🖤:** He's taking a nap. Classic king stuff.

**Ophelia 🌸:** And someone is pouring something in his ear??? 😨

**Hamlet 🖤:** Interesting plot twist wouldn't you say?? 🤔

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Hamlet 🖤 → Horatio 🧠

**Hamlet 🖤:** STATUS REPORT. WHAT'S HIS FACE DOING

**Horatio 🧠:** He shifted in his seat during the poison scene

**Hamlet 🖤:** SHIFTED? LIKE UNCOMFORTABLE SHIFTED?

**Horatio 🧠:** Could also be the chair. Those things are hard.

**Hamlet 🖤:** IT'S NOT THE CHAIR HORATIO

**Horatio 🧠:** Just reporting what I see. Keeping watch.

---

📱 GROUP CHAT: "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

**Claudius 👑:** Interesting choice of play, Hamlet. What's it called?

**Hamlet 🖤:** "The Mousetrap" 🐭

**Claudius 👑:** And the plot is...?

**Hamlet 🖤:** Oh you know. A king gets murdered by his nephew in Vienna. The nephew pours poison in the king's ear while he sleeps. Then the nephew seduces the queen and takes the throne. Standard European drama. 🇦🇹

**Hamlet 🖤:** Totally fictional though

**Hamlet 🖤:** Obviously

**Hamlet 🖤:** Why do you ask? 🙂

**Claudius 👑:** No reason.

**Gertrude 💅:** The actress playing the queen is a bit over the top with her promises. "I'll never remarry! I'll be loyal forever!" A bit much, no?

**Hamlet 🖤:** Idk mom. Do YOU think it's too much? Do those promises mean something to you? 🤔🤔🤔

**Gertrude 💅:** The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

**Hamlet 🖤:** WOW WHAT A LINE. Someone write that down. 📝

---

**Ophelia 🌸:** Hamlet you're being really weird tonight

**Hamlet 🖤:** Am I? Or is the play just making everyone UNCOMFORTABLE because it hits a little too close to HOME? 🏠🔥

**Ophelia 🌸:** I think you're just being weird

**Hamlet 🖤:** Fair

---

⏰ 8:28 PM - THE KEY SCENE

**Hamlet 🖤:** OK EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION

**Hamlet 🖤:** This is the part where Lucianus - the king's nephew - approaches the sleeping king

**Hamlet 🖤:** He's got a vial of poison...

**Hamlet 🖤:** He's leaning in...

**Hamlet 🖤:** 🎭 "Thoughts black, hands apt, drugs fit, and time agreeing" 🎭

**Hamlet 🖤:** AND HE POURS THE POISON IN THE KING'S EAR!!! 👂☠️💀

**Hamlet 🖤:** JUST LIKE SOMEONE WE KNOW MIGHT HAVE DONE, RIGHT @Claudius 👑 ???

**Hamlet 🖤:** @Claudius 👑 you good bro? You look a little pale 😏

---

**Claudius 👑:** 🔦

**Claudius 👑:** GIVE ME SOME LIGHT

**Claudius 👑:** LIGHTS

**Claudius 👑:** TURN ON THE LIGHTS

*Claudius 👑 has left the group*

---

**Polonius 🧓:** The king is unwell! Stop the play! Everyone stop!

**Gertrude 💅:** What just happened??

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** uhhhhh

**Guildenstern 🃏:** that was intense

**Ophelia 🌸:** Is the king okay?? He literally ran out screaming??

**Hamlet 🖤:** Interesting reaction to a FICTIONAL PLAY, don't you think? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Hamlet 🖤 → Horatio 🧠

**Hamlet 🖤:** DID YOU SEE THAT

**Hamlet 🖤:** DID

**Hamlet 🖤:** YOU

**Hamlet 🖤:** SEE

**Hamlet 🖤:** THAT

**Horatio 🧠:** I saw it.

**Hamlet 🖤:** HE RAN. HE LITERALLY RAN OUT OF THE ROOM.

**Hamlet 🖤:** SCREAMING FOR LIGHTS.

**Hamlet 🖤:** DURING THE EXACT SCENE WHERE THE KING GETS POISONED THROUGH HIS EAR.

**Hamlet 🖤:** WHICH IS EXACTLY HOW THE GHOST SAID IT HAPPENED.

**Horatio 🧠:** Yeah. That was... not the reaction of an innocent man.

**Hamlet 🖤:** HORATIO

**Hamlet 🖤:** I WOULD BET A THOUSAND POUNDS ON THE GHOST'S WORD

**Hamlet 🖤:** THE MOUSETRAP WORKED 🐭🪤✅

**Hamlet 🖤:** WE CAUGHT THE RAT 🐀👑

**Horatio 🧠:** So what now?

**Hamlet 🖤:** ...

**Hamlet 🖤:** honestly I didn't plan this far ahead

**Horatio 🧠:** You orchestrated an elaborate theatrical sting operation to confirm your uncle murdered your father and you didn't think about WHAT COMES NEXT?

**Hamlet 🖤:** Look the play thing took a lot of creative energy ok

**Hamlet 🖤:** I had to rewrite dialogue and direct actors and do a whole dramatic commentary

**Hamlet 🖤:** I'm EXHAUSTED

**Horatio 🧠:** Hamlet. Your uncle, the KING, just realized you KNOW he's a murderer.

**Horatio 🧠:** You are in danger.

**Hamlet 🖤:** right

**Hamlet 🖤:** yeah that's

**Hamlet 🖤:** that's a good point actually

**Horatio 🧠:** 🤦

---

📱 GROUP CHAT: "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** Hey Hamlet, the king is really upset. Maybe you should go talk to him?

**Guildenstern 🃏:** Yeah the queen wants to see you too

**Hamlet 🖤:** Tell me something. Do you guys actually care about me or did Claudius send you to spy on me?

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** What?? We're your friends!

**Guildenstern 🃏:** Yeah totally just friends checking in!

**Hamlet 🖤:** You know what you remind me of? A recorder. 🎵

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** A what?

**Hamlet 🖤:** A recorder. Simple instrument. Anyone can play it. You just cover the holes and blow, and it makes whatever sound the player wants.

**Hamlet 🖤:** Claudius is playing you like recorders.

**Hamlet 🖤:** You think you can play ME? Figure out my stops? Pluck out the heart of my mystery?

**Hamlet 🖤:** You can't even play a recorder and you think you can play ME? 🎵🚫

**Guildenstern 🃏:** That was weirdly specific

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** And kind of hurtful tbh

---

**Polonius 🧓:** Hamlet, your mother would like to speak with you in her chambers. Immediately.

**Hamlet 🖤:** My mother. Right. 🙄

**Hamlet 🖤:** I'll go. But I'll be honest with her. I'll speak daggers but use none.

**Polonius 🧓:** Please be gentle with her, she's very distressed.

**Hamlet 🖤:** Whose fault is that 🤔

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Hamlet 🖤 → Horatio 🧠

**Hamlet 🖤:** Mom wants to see me. This is gonna be fun.

**Horatio 🧠:** Please don't do anything rash.

**Hamlet 🖤:** Me? Rash? When have I EVER been rash?

**Horatio 🧠:** Do you want the list chronologically or alphabetically?

**Hamlet 🖤:** 😤

**Hamlet 🖤:** Fine. I'll be careful.

**Hamlet 🖤:** But the ghost was right, Horatio. My father was murdered. By his own brother. And my mother married the murderer.

**Horatio 🧠:** I know. And I'm sorry.

**Hamlet 🖤:** "The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king." And we DID. We absolutely did. 🎭

**Horatio 🧠:** Just... be safe tonight. The walls have ears in Elsinore.

**Hamlet 🖤:** Ironic choice of words considering how my dad died 👂☠️

**Horatio 🧠:** Oh god I didn't mean—

**Hamlet 🖤:** Too soon? It's been like 4 months

**Horatio 🧠:** DEFINITELY too soon

**Hamlet 🖤:** lol

**Hamlet 🖤:** ok heading to mom's room. If I don't text back in an hour send help

**Horatio 🧠:** Please tell me you're joking

**Hamlet 🖤:** 50/50 🙃

*Hamlet 🖤 is typing...*

*Hamlet 🖤 went offline*

---

💬 PRIVATE CHAT: Claudius 👑 → Polonius 🧓

**Claudius 👑:** He knows.

**Polonius 🧓:** My lord?

**Claudius 👑:** That play. That wasn't about Vienna. That was about ME.

**Polonius 🧓:** Surely it was just a coincidence—

**Claudius 👑:** A king murdered by poison in his EAR, Polonius. In his EAR. While sleeping in a GARDEN.

**Claudius 👑:** And then the murderer marries the queen.

**Claudius 👑:** And Hamlet was NARRATING it. Looking right at me. SMILING.

**Polonius 🧓:** ...Oh.

**Claudius 👑:** Yes. "Oh."

**Claudius 👑:** I need to deal with this. He's dangerous.

**Polonius 🧓:** Let me hide behind the curtain in the queen's chambers when she talks to him. I'll report everything back to you.

**Claudius 👑:** Fine. Do that.

**Polonius 🧓:** I'll be perfectly hidden. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

**Claudius 👑:** Good. Go now.

---

📱 GROUP CHAT: "Elsinore Fam 👑🏰"

⏰ 9:15 PM

**Ophelia 🌸:** Is anyone going to explain what just happened tonight or are we all just pretending the king didn't sprint out of his own theater screaming for lights??

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** I think we're pretending

**Guildenstern 🃏:** Definitely pretending

**Ophelia 🌸:** Cool. Cool cool cool. Everything is FINE at Elsinore. 🏰🔥🔥🔥

**Ophelia 🌸:** This is fine. 🐕☕🔥

**Horatio 🧠:** For what it's worth, I don't think anything is fine.

**Ophelia 🌸:** THANK YOU Horatio. At least ONE person here is honest.

**Ophelia 🌸:** My boyfriend is acting insane, my dad is hiding behind curtains, the king ran away from a play, and the queen is "distressed"

**Ophelia 🌸:** I should have gone to a convent like Hamlet suggested honestly

**Horatio 🧠:** He said that?

**Ophelia 🌸:** "Get thee to a nunnery" was the exact quote

**Horatio 🧠:** Yikes.

**Ophelia 🌸:** YIKES INDEED

**Ophelia 🌸:** Anyway goodnight everyone. I'm going to go arrange some flowers and try not to think about how this royal family is a complete dumpster fire 🌸🔥

**Rosencrantz 🤡:** Goodnight Ophelia!

**Guildenstern 🃏:** Night! 👋

**Horatio 🧠:** Stay safe, everyone. I have a feeling tonight is going to be... eventful.

---

🔔 NOTIFICATION:
📰 Elsinore Castle News Alert
"King Claudius cancels all theatrical performances indefinitely. No official statement given. Prince Hamlet unavailable for comment."

---

*Read by everyone at 9:22 PM* ✓✓

---

[END OF CHAT LOG]

*Narrator's note: Things at Elsinore were about to get significantly worse. Polonius should not have hidden behind that curtain. But that's a group chat for another day.* 💀🎭

**📱 BENNET FAMILY CHAT 💕**

**Mrs. Bennet** created group "NETHERFIELD BALL EMERGENCY 🚨"
**Mrs. Bennet** added Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty, Lydia, Mr. Bennet

**Mrs. Bennet:** GIRLS

**Mrs. Bennet:** GIRLS WAKE UP

**Mrs. Bennet:** THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**Lydia:** mum its 7am 😴

**Mrs. Bennet:** MR BINGLEY IS COMING TO THE BALL TONIGHT

**Mrs. Bennet:** AND HE HAS 5000 A YEAR

**Mrs. Bennet:** 5️⃣0️⃣0️⃣0️⃣

**Mrs. Bennet:** A YEAR

**Kitty:** we know mother you told us 47 times

**Mrs. Bennet:** AND HE'S BRINGING A FRIEND

**Mrs. Bennet:** MR DARCY

**Mrs. Bennet:** TEN THOUSAND A YEAR

**Mary:** Material wealth is but a fleeting comfort compared to—

**Mrs. Bennet:** MARY NOT NOW

**Elizabeth:** Good morning to you too mother

**Mrs. Bennet:** Lizzy you need to do something with your hair today I'm begging you

**Elizabeth:** My hair is fine

**Mrs. Bennet:** Jane you're our only hope

**Mrs. Bennet:** Smile a lot tonight

**Mrs. Bennet:** But not too much

**Mrs. Bennet:** But enough

**Mrs. Bennet:** You know what I mean

**Jane:** I'll just be myself, Mama 😊

**Mrs. Bennet:** NO JANE

**Mrs. Bennet:** BE BETTER THAN YOURSELF

**Mr. Bennet:** I see we're having a calm morning

**Mrs. Bennet:** Oh you're awake??? Maybe you could actually PARTICIPATE in securing futures for your daughters???

**Mr. Bennet:** I participated. I visited the man. My job is done.

**Mrs. Bennet:** You have no compassion for my poor nerves

**Mr. Bennet:** On the contrary, I have the highest respect for your nerves. They have been my constant companions for twenty years.

**Lydia:** LMAOOO dad woke up and chose violence 💀

**Elizabeth:** ☠️☠️☠️

**Mrs. Bennet:** I am SURROUNDED by ungrateful children

---

**📱 LIZZY & JANE PRIVATE CHAT 👯‍♀️**

**Lizzy:** you ready for tonight?

**Jane:** Nervous actually 😅

**Lizzy:** why?? you're literally the prettiest person in hertfordshire

**Jane:** You're biased because you're my sister

**Lizzy:** I'm biased because I have EYES

**Lizzy:** also mother will actually combust if you don't secure at least one dance with bingley

**Jane:** Don't remind me 😫

**Lizzy:** just be your sweet angelic self and he'll propose by the second set

**Jane:** LIZZY

**Lizzy:** I'm manifesting ✨

---

**📱 THE NETHERFIELD SQUAD 🎩**
*(Private group)*

**Members:** Charles Bingley, Fitzwilliam Darcy, Caroline Bingley, Mr. Hurst, Mrs. Hurst

**Bingley:** Tonight's going to be amazing!! Can't wait to meet everyone 🎉

**Darcy:** I'd rather not.

**Caroline:** Same tbh. Country balls are so... provincial.

**Bingley:** Come on you two!! It'll be fun! New friends! Dancing!

**Darcy:** You know I don't dance.

**Bingley:** You literally know how to dance. You're excellent at it.

**Darcy:** Knowing how and wanting to are different things.

**Caroline:** At least we'll suffer together, Mr. Darcy 😏

**Darcy:** 👍

**Bingley:** You're both impossible. I'm going to dance with EVERYONE.

**Mr. Hurst:** Is there food?

**Mrs. Hurst:** There's always food, dear.

**Mr. Hurst:** Then I'm satisfied.

---

**📱 HERTFORDSHIRE GOSSIP NETWORK 💅**
*(Local group chat - 47 members)*

**Charlotte Lucas:** They just arrived omgggg

**Maria Lucas:** THE CARRIAGES ARE BEAUTIFUL

**Lady Lucas:** Maria. Composure.

**Charlotte Lucas:** @Elizabeth you need to see this

**Elizabeth:** I see them

**Elizabeth:** The tall one looks like he stepped in something unpleasant and blamed the shoe

**Charlotte Lucas:** SCREAMING

**Charlotte Lucas:** That's Mr. Darcy btw. Ten thousand a year.

**Elizabeth:** He could have twenty thousand a year and that face would still say "I'd rather be literally anywhere else"

**Charlotte Lucas:** To be fair... same

**Mrs. Long:** Mr. Bingley just smiled at me!

**Mrs. Long:** Wait no he was looking past me

**Mrs. Long:** At Jane Bennet obviously

**Mrs. Bennet:** 👀👀👀

**Mrs. Bennet:** @Jane don't look now but HE'S LOOKING

---

**📱 LIZZY & JANE PRIVATE CHAT 👯‍♀️**

**Jane:** Lizzy he's so handsome 😭

**Lizzy:** I KNOW I see him looking at you

**Jane:** He asked me to dance!!!

**Lizzy:** JANE

**Jane:** I said yes obviously

**Lizzy:** AS YOU SHOULD

**Lizzy:** Go secure that bag sis 💰💕

**Jane:** It's not about money!

**Lizzy:** I know I know true love etc

**Lizzy:** but also 5000 a year doesn't hurt

**Jane:** ELIZABETH

**Lizzy:** I'm just saying mother has a point sometimes

**Lizzy:** once every seven years

**Lizzy:** like a cicada of wisdom

**Jane:** I'm going to dance now goodbye 😂

---

**📱 THE NETHERFIELD SQUAD 🎩**

**Bingley:** DARCY

**Bingley:** DARCY COME HERE

**Bingley:** Why are you standing in the corner like a Victorian ghost

**Darcy:** I'm fine here.

**Bingley:** You need to DANCE

**Darcy:** I really don't.

**Bingley:** Jane has a sister!! She's sitting right over there! She's very pretty!

**Darcy:** Which one? The one lecturing someone about Fordyce's sermons?

**Bingley:** No that's Mary

**Bingley:** Elizabeth! The one with the fine eyes!

**Darcy:** She's tolerable I suppose, but not handsome enough to tempt me.

**Darcy:** I'm not in the mood to give consequence to young ladies slighted by other men.

**Darcy:** Go back to your partner and enjoy her smiles. You're wasting your time with me.

**Bingley:** Wow

**Bingley:** That was unnecessarily harsh

**Caroline:** 🍿

---

**📱 LIZZY & CHARLOTTE PRIVATE CHAT 🫖**

**Charlotte:** Lizzy

**Charlotte:** LIZZY

**Charlotte:** Please tell me you didn't just hear that

**Elizabeth:** Oh I heard it

**Charlotte:** "Tolerable"???? "Not handsome enough to tempt me"????

**Elizabeth:** I WAS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE

**Elizabeth:** He didn't even lower his voice

**Charlotte:** The AUDACITY

**Elizabeth:** You know what

**Elizabeth:** I'm not even mad

**Charlotte:** You're not?

**Elizabeth:** I find it genuinely hilarious

**Elizabeth:** Imagine being that rich and that rude

**Elizabeth:** Pick a struggle sir

**Charlotte:** 💀💀💀

**Elizabeth:** Also "not handsome enough to tempt me" is going to be my new bio

**Charlotte:** PLEASE

**Elizabeth:** I'm owning it

**Elizabeth:** Certified Untempter™️

---

**📱 BENNET FAMILY CHAT 💕**

**Lydia:** GUYS MR DARCY JUST INSULTED LIZZY

**Kitty:** WHAT

**Lydia:** He said she wasn't pretty enough to dance with!!!

**Mary:** Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18.

**Mrs. Bennet:** WHAT DID HE SAY

**Lydia:** He called her "tolerable" 💀

**Mrs. Bennet:** That HORRIBLE man

**Mrs. Bennet:** I don't care if he has 10000 a year

**Mrs. Bennet:** He could have 50000 a year

**Mrs. Bennet:** We don't want him

**Elizabeth:** Honestly mother for once I agree with you

**Mrs. Bennet:** See?? I told you he had a disagreeable look about him

**Mr. Bennet:** You told us he had ten thousand a year and we should pursue him relentlessly

**Mrs. Bennet:** I NEVER

**Mr. Bennet:** [Screenshot of previous message: "MR DARCY TEN THOUSAND A YEAR"]

**Mrs. Bennet:** THAT WAS BEFORE HE INSULTED MY DAUGHTER

**Elizabeth:** Can we focus on the positive here

**Elizabeth:** Jane is dancing with Bingley and they look adorable

**Mrs. Bennet:** JANE 😍😍😍

**Mrs. Bennet:** My beautiful Jane

**Mrs. Bennet:** Unlike SOME people who insult young ladies at public assemblies

**Elizabeth:** Mother please let it go

**Mrs. Bennet:** I will NEVER let it go

**Mrs. Bennet:** My nerves Lizzy

**Mrs. Bennet:** MY NERVES

---

**📱 HERTFORDSHIRE GOSSIP NETWORK 💅**

**Charlotte Lucas:** Update from the ball: Mr. Darcy has danced with exactly 0 people

**Mrs. Phillips:** My niece Elizabeth was SNUBBED by him

**Lady Lucas:** How shocking. How completely unexpected. How—

**Mrs. Bennet:** Lady Lucas I hear your tone through the text

**Charlotte Lucas:** Mother behave

**Sir William Lucas:** I tried to introduce myself to Mr. Darcy! Very noble looking gentleman!

**Charlotte Lucas:** Dad what did he do

**Sir William Lucas:** He looked at me like I was a particularly uninteresting piece of furniture

**Charlotte Lucas:** Sounds about right

**Mrs. Long:** Mr. Bingley has danced TWICE with Jane Bennet

**Mrs. Bennet:** Twice!!! 😭😭😭

**Mrs. Bennet:** My beautiful girl

**Elizabeth:** Update: Darcy is still standing in the corner looking pained

**Elizabeth:** He keeps glancing this way though

**Charlotte Lucas:** Maybe he's reconsidering his assessment of your tolerability

**Elizabeth:** I'd rather he continued to ignore me honestly

**Elizabeth:** Less effort for everyone involved

---

**📱 THE NETHERFIELD SQUAD 🎩**

**Bingley:** BEST NIGHT EVER

**Bingley:** Jane is an absolute ANGEL

**Bingley:** She laughs at my jokes Darcy

**Bingley:** She actually laughs

**Darcy:** Most people are simply polite.

**Bingley:** You wound me

**Caroline:** What did you think of the local society, Mr. Darcy?

**Darcy:** I found little to interest me.

**Bingley:** You barely talked to anyone!

**Darcy:** Exactly.

**Bingley:** What about Elizabeth Bennet? You could have danced with her. I told you she was pretty.

**Darcy:** I believe I expressed my opinion on that matter.

**Caroline:** I couldn't help but overhear... and I must say she DID have a sort of... country freshness about her

**Darcy:** She had fine eyes.

**Bingley:** ???

**Caroline:** ???

**Darcy:** I said what I said.

**Bingley:** You literally said she wasn't handsome enough to tempt you????

**Darcy:** Her eyes are fine. That's a separate observation.

**Caroline:** This is fascinating character development

**Darcy:** I'm going to bed.

*Darcy has gone offline*

**Bingley:** Did he just...

**Caroline:** He did

**Bingley:** Interesting 🤔

---

**📱 LIZZY & JANE PRIVATE CHAT 👯‍♀️**

**Jane:** Home safe! Tonight was magical ✨

**Elizabeth:** For one of us at least

**Jane:** Lizzy don't let that horrible man ruin your night

**Elizabeth:** Oh he didn't ruin it

**Elizabeth:** He provided excellent entertainment value

**Elizabeth:** I dined out on that story all evening

**Jane:** You told everyone?

**Elizabeth:** Charlotte and I have been laughing about it for hours

**Elizabeth:** "Not handsome enough to tempt me" like sir your personality is the real 4/10 here

**Jane:** You're terrible 😂

**Elizabeth:** I'm honest

**Elizabeth:** Anyway tell me everything about Mr. Bingley

**Jane:** He's wonderful 🥺

**Jane:** He's kind and funny and easy to talk to

**Jane:** And he seems genuinely interested in what I have to say

**Elizabeth:** That's the bare minimum but I'm glad he meets it

**Jane:** LIZZY

**Elizabeth:** I'm happy for you truly

**Elizabeth:** Just... be careful okay?

**Jane:** Careful?

**Elizabeth:** Rich men from London don't always stay in the country

**Jane:** I know

**Jane:** But I think... I really think he likes me

**Elizabeth:** Of course he does. You're perfect.

**Jane:** He asked if we'd meet again soon 😊

**Elizabeth:** JANE

**Elizabeth:** That's basically a proposal in Bingley language

**Jane:** Stop 😭

**Elizabeth:** I'm manifesting for you so hard rn ✨✨✨

**Jane:** What about you? Any prospects?

**Elizabeth:** After tonight? I think I'll focus on my reading

**Elizabeth:** Men are temporary

**Elizabeth:** Being "tolerable" is forever

**Jane:** Goodnight you ridiculous person 💕

**Elizabeth:** Night Jane 💕

---

**📱 BENNET FAMILY CHAT 💕**

*The next morning*

**Mrs. Bennet:** GOOD MORNING TO EVERYONE EXCEPT MR DARCY

**Mr. Bennet:** Ah. We're still doing this.

**Mrs. Bennet:** We will be doing this FOREVER

**Mrs. Bennet:** Jane how are you feeling this morning my love

**Jane:** Very well, Mama 😊

**Mrs. Bennet:** Of course you are!!! Mr. Bingley danced with you TWICE

**Lydia:** When's the wedding 👀

**Jane:** LYDIA

**Kitty:** I heard Mr. Bingley's friend Mr. Darcy has a house in Derbyshire that's worth 10000 a year

**Mrs. Bennet:** We don't speak of him in this house

**Elizabeth:** The house itself is worth 10000 a year? That's not how houses work

**Kitty:** You know what I mean!!

**Mary:** Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain.

**Lydia:** Nobody asked Mary

**Mrs. Bennet:** Children. Focus. Mr. Bingley.

**Mrs. Bennet:** We need a STRATEGY

**Mr. Bennet:** Heaven help us.

**Elizabeth:** I'm going for a walk

**Mrs. Bennet:** Lizzy you WILL participate in family discussions about your sister's romantic prospects

**Elizabeth:** I support Jane unconditionally from a distance

**Elizabeth:** Specifically the distance between here and Oakham Mount

*Elizabeth has gone offline*

**Mrs. Bennet:** THAT GIRL

**Mr. Bennet:** She gets it from you, my dear.

**Mrs. Bennet:** She absolutely does NOT

**Jane:** I'll talk to her when she gets back 😊

**Mrs. Bennet:** You're my favorite Jane

**Lydia:** MUM

**Kitty:** Rude!!

**Mary:** Favoritism breeds resentment and—

**Mrs. Bennet:** BREAKFAST. NOW. ALL OF YOU.

---

*To be continued... maybe. If Mr. Darcy ever learns social skills.*

*Spoiler alert: He doesn't. But somehow that works out anyway.*

*#Pemberley2024 #TolerableAndProudOfIt #NotHandsomeEnoughToTemptMe*