The Protagonist's Resignation Letter

Son: 'Dad, why do you write books if nobody reads them?' Me: 'People read them, son.' Son: 'Mom said she tried but fell asleep.' Me: 'It's... literature. It's challenging.' Son: 'Grandma said she uses yours to level the table.' Me: 'She's old.' Son: 'The dog buries them.' Me: '...' Son: 'Is that why you cry in the shower?' Me: 'Finish your homework.' Son: 'At least my homework gets graded.'

Writing software notification: 'You've typed "she sighed" 847 times.' Ignored it. New notification: 'She has now sighed more than medically possible. She's hyperventilating. Call an ambulance.' Ignored it. Final notification: 'She's dead. You killed her with sighs. Her last words were "finally." Happy now?' I switched to "she exhaled." Notification: 'We're watching you.'

My unreliable narrator is so unreliable, he changed his own backstory between chapters 3 and 7. I didn't notice until it was in print. Readers: "Is this intentional?" Me: "Absolutely. Literary technique." Narrator, in chapter 12: "It wasn't intentional. He's lying to you." I didn't write that either. We're in negotiations now.

Manuscript retreat. 10 writers. Beautiful cabin. Host announces: "We'll do a murder mystery game!" Day 1: Clues hidden. Everyone suspects everyone. Day 2: Accusations fly. Drama. Day 3: Actual murder. Of my chapter 12. Someone rewrote it entirely. Police refused to investigate. "Creative differences aren't criminal, sir." The murderer submitted my book under their name. Won an award.

Beta reader: "Love the plot twist on page 156." I stopped at page 120. Checked page 156. There's a plot twist. Brilliant one. I didn't write it. Asked my wife. She didn't touch my laptop. Asked my cat. The cat has no opinion. Page 157: "You're welcome. — Management"

6 AM. Coffee. 7 AM. Writing. One paragraph. 8 AM. Coffee. Stare at paragraph. 9 AM. Research fonts. 10 AM. Coffee. Different mug might help. 11 AM. Perfect mug found. 12 PM. Lunch. Deserved. 1 PM. Nap. Creative recovery. 5 PM. One sentence added. 6 PM. Deleted paragraph. Productive day.