The Thesaurus Speaks

3 AM. Writing. Need a synonym for 'said.'

Opened thesaurus. 'Uttered, declared, proclaimed, announced—'

Good. Picked 'declared.'

Thesaurus: 'Interesting choice. Page 74 you also used declared. And page 12. And page 31.'

Me: 'I didn't ask—'

Thesaurus: 'You also use "suddenly" 203 times. Nothing in your novel is gradual. Everything is sudden. Your characters live in a permanent earthquake.'

Closed thesaurus.

Thesaurus, muffled from shelf: 'The word you're looking for right now is "denial."'