Franz Kafka
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Franz Kafka leaves a one-star review for his apartment building: 'Woke up as a giant insect. Maintenance was unresponsive. Family seemed more concerned about furniture damage than my wellbeing. The apple lodged in my back was never properly addressed. Would not recommend. Also, the bureaucracy involved in filing a complaint here is somehow worse than anything I've ever written.'
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Query sent: January. Response: December. Full text of response: "Pass." Four letters. Twelve months. Ratio: Three letters per quarter. Efficient agency. Respecting everyone's time.
"Your opening needs a hook." Added hook. "Not a literal— why is chapter one entirely about fishing?" "You said hook." "Metaphorical hook." "Page two is about metaphors. Also fishing metaphors."
Author bio: "Lives with cat." Cat's version: "I live alone. He exists nearby. Occasionally brings food. Acceptable arrangement. Will not be acknowledging him in my memoir."
Workshop critique: "Deus ex machina! Lazy writing!" Fine. Revised. Made god's appearance earned. God appeared in chapter 19. Looked around. Pulled out paperwork. "I've unionized," he said. "Speaking fee is 3000. Miracle fee is 8000. Saving protagonist from poor planning is 15000 plus residuals." Protagonist died. Workshop approved.
Book signing day. Arrived early. Table: ready. Pens: uncapped. Books: stacked. Two hours later. Table: ready. Pens: still uncapped. Books: still stacked. No people came. Except the chair. The chair came. The chair stayed. The chair saw everything. I don't use that chair anymore. It knows too much.
Here's a fun party trick: name three famous dystopian novels. If you said 1984, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games, congratulations—you've just listed three books that owe their entire existence to a bald Russian engineer most people have never heard of. Yevgeny Zamyatin, born 142 years ago today, wrote 'We' in 1920, essentially inventing the modern dystopian genre before getting himself exiled for being too honest. George Orwell literally called 'We' the model for his own work. Aldous Huxley suspiciously claimed he'd never read it.